


It’s The Only Way I Feel Alive

by 9shadowcat9



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-28
Updated: 2012-11-28
Packaged: 2017-11-19 18:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/576162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/9shadowcat9/pseuds/9shadowcat9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki wondered when the feelings first began. Or rather, lack of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It’s The Only Way I Feel Alive

Loki wondered when the feelings first began. Or rather, lack of. He had heard his brother was going to be crowned and had been overwhelmed with panic. Thor was not ready to be king he told himself repeatedly as he went to the Frost Giants for his plan to begin. Then, like always, his plan failed. Thor declared war on the Frost Giants almost immediately and worse, he had felt something welling inside of him. Something dark and twisted that had words spilling off his lips he regretted immediately but couldn’t take back. 

‘You know brother, I think you’re right.’

Lies, all lies. Thor was only ever right when Loki whispered twisted half words into his ear to change his mind, like a puppet on a string and Loki was the puppeteer. Loki became king knowing he’d got his brother exiled, he’d tried to do what was expected of him. Thor was still the favourite even rightfully exiled though, so Thor won. Loki had fallen off the bridge. No, he let go and fell.

He’d fallen through cold space with only silence around him, even when he spoke he couldn’t hear. But he saw, oh he saw. He saw monsters no one could ever dream of. He knew they saw him as well, hungered for his flesh. But Loki fell out of their reach. So he continued to fall until his emotions began to dim. He stopped being angry, he stopped being sad or jealous. He was just... there.

And then he was caught by the Chitauri.

They peeled his flesh from his bones. Told him things he didn’t want to hear but he knew were true. They gave him purpose again. Not that he’d cared by the time they were done. Perhaps apathy is too strong a word when you walk the Earth killing without any regret or joy. Fought people you’d loved without flinching. Thor had tried to talk to him; Loki knew he’d loved him. But he wanted him to hurt. Apathy didn’t stop the flashbacks to the torture. The starvation. The cold. The loneliness. The pain of his brother constantly abandoning him till he had a new use for Loki.

So the monster in him said what he knew to make Thor hate him. But he never did. Loki was defeated and Asgard handed him to Earth for punishment. Thor had adopted him into the Avengers instantly and threatened anyone who said otherwise. Even the archer, the man he’d controlled, knew better then to protest.

So here Loki was in his room; looking at his perfect nails with blood under them while ignoring the blood dripping from his wrists. The door was thrown open and Loki immediately tried to cover his wrist instinctively. Thor caught him. Like always. “Why Brother?” Thor asked in confusion. Loki looked at the hand holding him without blinking.

“Because it’s the only way I feel alive.” Loki finally admitted, knowing that the truth would hurt Thor more than any lie he could tell.


End file.
